Camille Over the Rainbow

The Granny factorMonday, February 1 2016

Maryam Nassir Zadeh

Fashion victims Anonymous, it’s time for our next meeting.

There is a new polarising pump strutting the sidewalk. And like any fugly phenomenon, this dowdy little devil will need your help if it is to takeover the real world.

Functional, elasticised, with a low-block heel and a retro spin, please say hello to your next big argument with all who don’t speak fluent Vogue. Like most days, my peculiar taste in footgear didn’t go unoticed. It was brought before a court of fashion haters (formally known as My Friends), as I ordered my first drink of the night.

“When will the self-sabotaging stop”, they moaned. “If we can’t get you to slip into something slightly décolleté on top, surely the least you can do is show a little toe cleavage?”.

I flashed a smile over my oversized turtleneck and gazed at my skin-hugging glove shoes. “Serves you all right for calling me a cougar!”

(I may or may not have kissed someone born early 90s last weekend.)

“I figured, if I keep up the granny look, the kidz won’t be looking my way.” Which is BS, naturally, for never has vintage-inspired style conveyed a more modern silhouette.

 I’ll be carrying out passport checks from now on, then, just to be safe.